This is a huge step for me, but something that calls out from within to be heard. You can not imagine the fear that has gripped me fro the past year that has kept me from writing.
You see, when I write from my journals to fragments and short stories they all come from life experiences or emotions seasoned with imagination, but always sealed in a foundation of my truth. Most of my life my journaling and musings carried me through the wilderness we find ourselves and stories and letters drawn from the same well people told me inspired them, but I am afraid I haven't been an inspiration to anyone for a long time. It is time I stopped my year long pity party and my attempts to runaway from the ugliness of my life. Even more important, it is time I leave my prison of fear. Along with shutting the door on marriage lost, I must shut the door on monsters that were real. I didn't realize it possible, but I am stronger than they are and if I want to take back my life, the monster who invited those strangers into my bed and who read and laughed at my journals, now, no longer have intrance into my home.
If they are brave enough to look into the mirror of one of their victims and read this blog, do so, but with a warning. You may not like what you read or see, because Bonnie Jo is back and showing to read will be like looking into a mirror. The old Bonnie Jo not only called things as she saw them, she is now writing them as well. Now that I've got that out of the open and my system has been cleanse of all that binded me I can now write and be once again refreshing, inspiring and hopeful as I grow. I believe the journey I traveled calls me to educate so that others will not walk into their safe place, home only to find a dungin instead.
Ah, it is like breathing after holding my breath for a long, long time. I am writing. I am writing.
Much of what I hope to write here will be funny from my real sitcom I live, others will be pulled from real life horrors which in fact robbed me of the freedom to express myself not only publicly but in journals; and last, but not least, I hope to fill these pages of blogging with the many blessings that have made my life so rich and full I cannot justly put any word to each of them only to say my cup runneth over.
Being robbed of life writing when my life turned into a life of lies, except I was too dumb to know it. Part of my story:
I no longer allow the ghosts created by fear to dictate my life and I certainly call a halt to allowing the actions of others to rob me from writing, living and all the bright future holds for me.
Invasion of privacy when my ex husband brought strangers into my home when I was out of town for a sexual addiction I did not know about nor understand. Regardless, his behavior and betrayal destroyed 30 years of marriage, the respect of his children and the joy he could have had spending time with his new grand children in the home I created. Now he sits in that home alone because it is no longer a home, but his own personal dungin and probably his personal hell.
I am battling cancer, making ends meet with small amount of retirement and settlement. Any gain from a divorce cannot give back the years I spend trying to love someone incapable of such emotions or the years lost on a marriage built on a lie. He lives in that beautiful large house I lovingly made into a home, while live in a tiny two room apartment, but at least it is mine and now when I write in my journals I won't have to wonder who else uninvited read the pages of my life. That changes some deep within their core. All my life I had written journals sharing some (not all) of them in stories, poems and fragments I have written or in a letter to encourage a friend. I walked away from what was home to be free of the images it now holds because strangers had invaded not only my home, but my bedroom. Depression, illness and running away from memories, and being gripped by fear kept me from writing. No more.
I am free to not only write in my journal, but I am free to write my stories and my story of being robbed of the blanket found from writing thoughts and feelings within the page. I am so free that I have decided to write much of it on this blog. I can hear cries of fear, not mine, but theirs.
Facing fear, writing again and most important living again. BTW life after the storm is so much sweeter than before, so never give up hope.
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